CNT5

“What the hell are you doing ?” Keita screamed, but his scandalised voice was muffled by Changmin lips, which were moving agily on his, Keita's body was pinned to the wall keeping him from moving even the slightest. "Apa yang kamu lakukan" menjerit? Keita, tapi suara skandal-nya teredam oleh bibir Changmin, yang bergerak agily pada tubuhnya yang terjepit Keita ke dinding membuatnya bergerak bahkan sedikit.

Submitted to Changmin's will, all thoughts of protestation were compromised, he sensed Changmin's hot hands taking hold of his shoulders, and soon, even the movements of protestation that his body was doing ceased as he comprehended that the more he moved, the more Changmin's body was getting closer to him. Disampaikan kepada akan Changmin, semua pikiran protes itu terancam, ia merasakan tangan panas Changmin yang memegang bahunya, dan segera, bahkan gerakan protes yang tubuhnya melakukan berhenti ketika dia memahami bahwa semakin dia bergerak, tubuh Changmin lebih's semakin dekat dengannya.

His mind was getting dizzy under his touches. Pikirannya mulai menyentuh nya pusing bawah. But he will not let himself go crazy, he couldn't let himself go crazy. Namun ia akan membiarkan dirinya tidak gila, ia tidak bisa membiarkan dirinya gila.

Sharply and roughly he pushed Changmin on the chest, broking the contact of their bodies. Tajam dan kasar ia mendorong Changmin di dada, pialang kontak tubuh mereka.

“What was that for ?” Changmin asked, bewildered. "Apa itu" tanya Changmin, bingung?.

“Excuse me ? "Maaf? I should be the one asking that question !” He violently answered. Aku harus menjadi orang mengajukan pertanyaan yang "Dia keras jawab!.

Changmin looked at him longily, he just, couldn't say it, it scared him too much to say it. Changmin menatapnya longily, ia hanya, tidak bisa mengatakannya, itu takut dia terlalu banyak untuk mengatakannya.

“I...was in the mood” "I. .. sedang ingin"

“You were in the mood ?!” Changmin stepped back a little as he saw Keita's eyes narrowing dangerously. "Kau berada di mood!"? Changmin mundur sedikit saat ia melihat mata Keita's menyempit berbahaya.

“You were in the mood...Does that mean that if I'm in the mood to punch you here and now I can ? "Kau berada di mood ... Apakah itu berarti bahwa jika saya sedang ingin punch Anda di sini dan sekarang saya bisa? Huh ? Huh? Does it Changmin ?” Apakah Changmin? "

Changmin looked away, he never saw Keita that angered before, and he just couldn't look at him in the eyes. Changmin berpaling, ia tak pernah melihat Keita yang marah sebelumnya, dan dia tidak bisa melihatnya di mata.

“Well answer me” Changmin opened his mouth, but no words willed to escape, for the first time he felt helpless, he didn't know what to do anymore, and so, like a stupid guy, he stayed there, mouth open, looking a lot like a dead fish, not willing to say a word, to get himself out of that situation. "Yah jawaban saya" Changmin membuka mulutnya, tapi tidak ada kata menghendaki untuk melarikan diri, untuk pertama kalinya ia merasa tak berdaya, dia tidak tahu harus berbuat apa lagi, dan begitu, seperti orang bodoh, ia tinggal di sana, mulut terbuka, melihat banyak seperti ikan mati, tidak bersedia mengucapkan sepatah kata pun, untuk mendapatkan dirinya keluar dari situasi itu.

“Forget it” Keita spit, passing by him, to go out of the room. "Lupakan saja" Keita meludah, lewat dia, untuk keluar dari ruangan.

“Shit” Was all that Changmin finally managed to say. "Sialan" Apakah semua yang Changmin akhirnya berhasil mengatakan.




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“Well same time tomorrow okay ?” Yoochun smiled at the cute nodding boy before him. "Yah saat yang sama oke besok?" Tersenyum YooChun pada anak mengangguk manis di depannya.

“Did you understand well the lesson ?” Junsu nodded again. "Apakah Anda memahami pelajaran dengan baik?" JunSu mengangguk lagi.

“That's good then” Yoochun chuckled a little as Junsu nodded once more. "Itu bagus kemudian" YooChun tertawa sedikit saat JunSu mengangguk sekali lagi.

“Should I give you more homework then ?” And a bright laugh escaped from his mouth as the boy, nodded, then looked up horrified. "Apakah aku harus memberi pekerjaan rumah lebih kemudian" Dan? Tertawa terang lolos dari mulutnya sebagai anak itu, mengangguk, lalu menengadah ngeri.

“What ?? "Apa? I mean...Why ??...No...I...sorry...of course you can” His cheeks tainted a little as Yoochun's laughters grew louder. Maksudku ... Kenapa ??... Tidak .. I. .. maaf ... tentu saja Anda dapat "tercemar Pipinya sedikit saat YooChun's laughters semakin keras.

“Don't worry I will not” He said out of breath “I just wanted to hear your voice, you have a beautiful voice you should speak more” Junsu smiled awkwardly as he remembered all the time Changmin begged him to “Shut the fuck up already”. "Jangan khawatir aku tidak akan" Katanya kehabisan napas "Aku hanya ingin mendengar suara Anda, Anda memiliki suara indah Anda harus berbicara lebih" JunSu tersenyum canggung saat dia ingat semua waktu Changmin memintanya "Tutup apaan sampai sudah ".

“Then, see you tomorrow” Junsu exclaimed. "Kalau begitu, sampai besok" JunSu seru.

“Yes tomorrow” And...even if it was only to study, if not any real will hid under this sentence, Yoochun's promise to see him again as his smile, brightened and softened his heart. "Ya besok" Dan ... bahkan jika itu hanya untuk belajar, jika tidak ada yang nyata akan bersembunyi di bawah kalimat ini, Yoochun janji untuk bertemu lagi sebagai senyum, cerah dan melembutkan hatinya.




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“Jaejoong are you coming with us ?” Changmin asked me. "Jaejoong kau datang bersama kami" Changmin bertanya padaku?.

“Where ?” "Di mana?"

“We're eating in the park today, Junsu is already there I think, and, since I don't know if his will to kill me is still burning or not, I prefer you to accompaign me” "Kita makan di taman hari ini, JunSu sudah ada saya pikir, dan, karena saya tidak tahu apakah kehendak-Nya untuk membunuh saya adalah masih menyala atau tidak, saya lebih memilih Anda untuk accompaign saya"

“Isn't Yunnho coming to ?” "Apakah tidak Yunnho datang?"

“No he's eating with his girlfriend” "Tidak dia makan dengan pacarnya"

I followed Changmin's look, and my eyes bumped into that sight, that sight of him at the entrance, at the entrance with her, with her he was smiling. Aku mengikuti melihat Changmin, dan mata saya berpapasan dengan pemandangan yang, yang melihat dia di pintu masuk, di pintu masuk dengannya, dengan pria itu tersenyum.

That simple gesture tore my heart and made me feel awfully greedy. Itu sikap sederhana merobek hati saya dan membuat saya merasa sangat serakah. Just because, just because...This smile was usually mine. Hanya karena, hanya karena ... senyum ini biasanya tambang. I never felt special to him no, but I just knew that he only smiled at me like that. Aku tidak pernah merasa spesial baginya tidak, tapi aku hanya tahu bahwa ia hanya tersenyum padaku seperti itu. I only owned this. Aku hanya dimiliki ini. And now, even this was gone. Dan sekarang, bahkan ini sudah pergi.

The impression to share with her when I was the one stealing away was eating me from the inside. kesan untuk berbagi dengan ketika aku satu-mencuri pergi makan saya dari dalam.
He gently put his arm on her shoulder...He could be that gentle with her too, he seemed happy with her, nice gentle, caring...I clenched my fists. Dia dengan lembut meletakkan tangannya di bahu dia ... Dia bisa yang lembut dengan dia juga, ia tampak bahagia bersamanya, baik lembut, peduli ... aku mengepal tinjuku.
The reminiscence of that night was enraging in front of this loving scene. The kenangan malam yang enraging di depan pemandangan ini penuh kasih. Back then gentleness and careness were out of the question, lust was, but lust didn't interest me, it was dry pleasure, desesperate and raw. Kembali kemudian kelembutan dan careness berada di luar pertanyaan, nafsu, tapi nafsu tidak menarik minat saya, itu adalah kenikmatan kering, desesperate dan baku. A burning desire that burnt my heart along and consumed the last crumbles as we did it again. Sebuah keinginan yang terbakar yang membakar hati saya sepanjang dan dikonsumsi yang terakhir hancur seperti yang kita lakukan lagi.

Because, since that fateful night we got sexuallly involved three times. Sebab, sejak malam naas kami sexuallly terlibat tiga kali.
three times again I saw that room, those sheets, that bed, those pillows, and three times again, I was caught by myself. tiga kali lagi saya melihat bahwa ruang, yang seprai, tempat tidur, bantal mereka, dan tiga kali lagi, aku tertangkap oleh diriku sendiri. Three times I let him do what he wanted of me, closing my eyes to not see his. Tiga kali saya membiarkan dia melakukan apa yang diinginkannya dari saya, menutup mata saya untuk tidak melihat-nya. Three times I came with him. Tiga kali saya datang dengan dia. Three times the overwhelming ruining pleasure took over my senses as the feeling of being dirty and ashamed did. Tiga kali merusak kesenangan luar biasa mengambil alih indra saya sebagai rasa yang kotor dan tidak malu.

Yes three times we did it. Ya tiga kali kami melakukannya. And no, three times I wasn't loved by him. Dan tidak, tiga kali aku tidak dicintai olehnya.
But, as he touched gently my bare shoulder or my back, as he kissed my neck or my cheeks, I persuaded myself that he did, or, I most likely forgot that he didn't. Tapi, saat ia menyentuh lembut bahu telanjang atau belakang saya, saat ia mencium leher saya atau pipi saya, saya meyakinkan diri bahwa dia, atau, aku paling mungkin lupa bahwa dia tidak.
Was it easier like that ? Apakah lebih mudah seperti itu? Maybe it was at the moment. Mungkin saat ini. Maybe it was easier to bear losing myself up in that false idea, in that ideal thought which looked more like utopie than anything else. Mungkin lebih mudah untuk menanggung kehilangan diri dalam gagasan palsu, dalam pikiran ideal yang lebih mirip utopie dari apa pun. Maybe secretly I liked to believe it, that I wasn'ta tool that I wasn't alone, that it wasn't all fake. Mungkin diam-diam aku suka percaya, bahwa aku alat wasn'ta bahwa aku tidak sendirian, bahwa itu bukan palsu semua.

However the aftermath always grew harder and harder. Namun setelah selalu tumbuh lebih keras dan lebih keras. The hard wake up never ceased to shake me more. Setelah keras sampai tak pernah berhenti untuk menjabat saya lebih.
Every times it ended, I felt rotten. Setiap kali itu berakhir, aku merasa busuk. Every times I stared at him, poured my wavering gaze in his blank eyes. Setiap kali saya menatap dia, menuangkan bergetar tatapanku kosong di mata-Nya. Every time it was my signal to leave. Setiap kali ini sinyal saya untuk pergi. Every time I closed the door behind me and collapsed a minute on the floor trying to pull myself together. Setiap kali saya menutup pintu di belakangku dan runtuh menit di lantai mencoba untuk menarik diri. Every time I came back to my room, and there collapsed on my bed. Setiap kali aku kembali ke kamarku, dan di sana ambruk di tempat tidur. And inexorably I felt the same way, numb, raw, empty, and guilty. Dan tak terelakkan saya merasakan hal yang sama, kaku, baku, kosong, dan bersalah.

That mix was crushing myself, that secret pain that I couldn't share with anyone, made me want to scream, to cry, to burst out. campuran Itu menghancurkan diriku sendiri, bahwa rasa sakit rahasia bahwa aku tidak bisa berbagi dengan siapa pun, membuat saya ingin menjerit, menangis, untuk meledak. But I couldn't, no, I just couldn't. Tapi aku tidak bisa, tidak, aku tidak bisa. I didn't have the right to, despite how hard that was I did not have any right to complain. Aku tidak punya hak untuk, walaupun seberapa keras bahwa aku tidak punya hak untuk mengeluh.

Heavily, I glanced at the door once again, they were gone. Sangat, saya melirik pintu sekali lagi, mereka pergi.
I got up to take the direction of the cafeteria, I walked the slowiest I could. Aku bangkit untuk mengambil arah kantin, saya berjalan slowiest aku bisa. I felt awfully lazy to do anything, and, as I saw the place dreadfully crowded I quickly left, I was too lazy to eat anyway. Aku merasa sangat malas untuk melakukan apa saja, dan saat aku melihat tempat itu sangat ramai aku segera pergi, aku terlalu malas untuk makan.

I didn't want to eat with Changmin and Junsu nor to catch a glimpse of Yunho and his girlfriend. Aku tidak mau makan dengan Changmin dan Junsu atau untuk melihat sekilas Yunho dan pacarnya. So I decided to retreat in the art room, thinking that at least nobody will be present at that time of the day. Jadi saya memutuskan untuk mundur di ruang seni, berpikir bahwa paling tidak ada akan hadir pada saat itu hari.

From here the pool could be seen. Dari sini kolam bisa terlihat. it was funny how the slightest detail recalled me of him, funny indeed but it didn't make me smile. itu lucu bagaimana detail sedikit ingat aku tentang dia, lucu memang tapi itu tidak membuat saya tersenyum.
However, no matter what I said, no matter if I wanted to deny it, I was still in love with him. Namun, tidak peduli apa yang saya katakan, tidak peduli apakah aku ingin menyangkalnya, aku masih mencintainya.

Love is a funny thing. Cinta adalah hal yang aneh. The meaning is only hold by one word, but it is so hard to make it disappear or to destroy it, so hard, almost impossible. Artinya hanya dipegang oleh satu kata, namun sangat keras untuk membuatnya menghilang atau untuk menghancurkannya, begitu keras, hampir mustahil.
My eyes drifted on the pool again, I used to watch him practice from here. Mataku melayang di kolam renang lagi, aku dulu sering menonton dia latihan dari sini.
I watched him have fun smile and laugh with other people, I used to watch him swimming beautifully his wet, defined, limbs and muscle moving agily in the water. Aku melihat dia memiliki senyum senang dan tertawa dengan orang lain, saya digunakan untuk menonton dia renang indah yang basah, didefinisikan, tungkai dan otot bergerak agily dalam air.

At that time, admiration and loved possessed me entirely, not that it was any different now...it was just tainted. Pada waktu itu, kekaguman dan dicintai memiliki aku sepenuhnya, bukan itu berbeda sekarang ... itu hanya tercemar.
Last summer, last summer, seemed so far away. Musim panas lalu, musim panas lalu, tampak begitu jauh. At that time, I would never have even thought that things between us would have turned out that way...in what way exactly did they turn anyway ? Pada saat itu, aku tidak akan pernah bahkan berpikir bahwa hal-hal di antara kita akan ternyata cara itu ... dalam hal apa tepatnya yang mereka berpaling sih?
His heart is still far away from mine...I even doubt I will be able to reach it someday. Hatinya masih jauh dari saya ... aku bahkan ragu aku akan dapat mencapainya suatu hari nanti.

“Jaejoong ?” My body jerked at the unexpected voice. "Jaejoong" tersentak? Tubuh saya di suara tak terduga.

“Pres...I mean, Yoochun ?” "Pres ... Maksudku, Yoochun?"

“I'm glad you've finally decided to call me by my name” He smiled “What are you doing here ? "Aku senang kau akhirnya memutuskan untuk memanggil saya dengan nama saya" Dia tersenyum, "Apa yang kamu lakukan di sini? isn't it time for your lunch break ?” bukan waktu untuk istirahat makan siang Anda? "

“I...I'm sorry...I will just leave” As I started to gather my stuff he gently stopped me by posing his hand on my arm. ".. I. Maafkan aku ... aku hanya akan meninggalkan" Ketika saya mulai mengumpulkan barang-barangku ia lembut menghentikan saya dengan mengajukan tangannya di lenganku.

“Have you eaten ?” I didn't answer. "Apakah engkau makan?" Aku tidak menjawab.

“You're such a kid, do you still need to be pushed to eat ? "Kau seperti anak kecil, apakah Anda masih perlu didorong untuk makan? There, we can share that I've just bought it” He said handing me a pink bag. Di sana, kita bisa berbagi bahwa saya baru saja membelinya "Katanya sambil menyerahkan sebuah tas merah muda.

“That is cute” "Itu lucu"

“What made you lose your appetite ?” My movements stopped at the question. "Apa yang membuat Anda kehilangan nafsu makan Anda" gerakan saya berhenti pada pertanyaan itu?.

“Nothing much” I forced a smile. "Tidak banyak" Aku terpaksa tersenyum. Yoochun frowned slightly but didn't push me to go further. Yoochun mengerutkan kening sedikit tapi tidak mendorong saya untuk melangkah lebih jauh.

“You eat it the same way that I do” He laughed, I stared at him interrogatory before that my gaze fell on my partly eaten snack. "Kamu makan dengan cara yang sama yang saya lakukan" Dia tertawa Aku menatapnya pertanyaan sebelum itu tatapanku jatuh pada makanan ringan saya sebagian dimakan.

“From which part do you start eating fish pastries ?” He asked. "Dari bagian mana Anda mulai makan kue ikan?" Tanya Dia.

“From the tail..but next is the head” I answered immediatly. "Dari ekor .. tapi berikutnya adalah kepala" aku jawab immediatly.

“Me too” He laughed again making me laugh along, the feeling was nice, really nice. "Aku juga" Dia tertawa lagi membuat saya tertawa bersama, perasaan itu baik, sangat baik.

I was happy to be here. Aku senang berada di sini. It seemed like here, with him, I didn't have to worry about what was Yunho doing with his girlfriend, how he was feeling, or how I was feeling, nor to think of where he was and when he will come back. Rasanya seperti di sini, dengan dia, aku tidak perlu khawatir tentang apa yang Yunho lakukan dengan pacarnya, bagaimana ia merasa, atau bagaimana aku merasa, atau berpikir di mana ia berada dan kapan ia akan kembali. I sighed, surprised of the depth of my relievement. Aku mendesah, heran dari kedalaman relievement saya.

“Jaejoong ?” "Jaejoong?"

“Hmm ?” "Hmm?"

“Were you worried about the assignement work for the contest ?” "Apakah Anda khawatir tentang pekerjaan penugasan untuk kontes?"

“The...Asignement..contest ?....God I have to do that soon!” "The Asignement ... .. kontes ?.... Allah aku harus melakukannya segera!"

“So you forgot ” He sighed, I shot him an embarassed look. "Jadi, kau lupa" Dia menghela napas, aku menembak membuatnya tampak malu. Crap, I also had that thing to do, as if my mind wasn't full enough already. Crap, saya juga punya hal yang harus dilakukan, seolah-olah pikiran saya tidak penuh sudah cukup.

“Excuse me !” We both turned at the voice...Junsu's voice ? "Permisi" Kami berdua berbalik pada suara ... suara Junsu's!?

“Oh...Jaejoong ? "Oh ... Jaejoong? You are here ?? Anda di sini?? Well maybe I'd better come back later then” He said head low. Yah mungkin aku sebaiknya kembali kemudian "Katanya rendah kepala.

“Wait a minute !” Yoochun called “ What is it” He added as he saw Junsu stopp walking. "Tunggu sebentar" YooChun disebut! "Apa itu" Ia menambahkan sambil berjalan stopp melihat JunSu.

“I...I just wanted to know...if you could help me with some...work” "I. .. Aku hanya ingin tahu ... jika anda bisa membantu saya dengan beberapa ... kerja"

“But didn't he have to see each other tonight ?” Yoochun frowned. "Tapi dia tidak harus bertemu nanti malam lain?" Mengerutkan kening Yoochun.

“I know...but t is for the class just after I kind of...” "Aku tahu ... tapi t adalah untuk kelas sesaat setelah aku agak ..."

“You didn't do your homeworks and you are asking me to help you right ?” "Anda tidak melakukan homeworks Anda dan Anda meminta saya untuk membantu Anda yang benar?"

“If you put it like that” I stared at Junsu's face, which was strangely...red. "Jika Anda mengatakannya seperti itu" Aku menatap wajah JunSu's, yang anehnya ... merah.

“Wait a minute, Junsu you know Yoochun ?” I asked. "Tunggu sebentar, Junsu Anda tahu Yoochun?" Tanya saya.

“I...” Looked like someone forgot all about my existence “He is the one who tutors me” "I. .." Tampak seperti seseorang lupa semua tentang keberadaan saya "Dia adalah orang yang tutor saya"

“I see” I glanced at the two, nobody said any more word “ Well I better get going now” "Saya lihat" aku melirik dua, tidak ada kata kata apapun lebih "Yah Sebaiknya aku pergi sekarang"




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“Where have you been ?” I turned around surprised at the angry voice, only to face an unexpected face, Yunho's one. "Di mana kau berada" Aku berbalik terkejut dengan suara marah?, Hanya untuk menghadapi wajah tak terduga, Yunho satu.

“Who did you have lunch with ?” He asked as harshly....What the hell ? "Siapa yang makan siang bersama?" Dia tanya .... kasar apa ini? why is he moody all of a sudden ? kenapa dia murung tiba-tiba?

“I don't think it concerns you in anyway, why don't you get back to your seat and stop bothering me ?” "Saya tidak berpikir itu keprihatinan Anda dengan cara apapun, mengapa kau tidak kembali ke tempat duduk Anda dan berhenti menggangguku?"

“What ? "Apa? do you know that I was worried about you ?” kau tahu bahwa Aku khawatir tentang kamu? "

“Did I give you any reason to be worried ?” "Apakah aku memberikan alasan untuk khawatir?"

“Yes you did !” He exclaimed “Changmin told me you went to the cafeteria, but you didn't come back after, I thought you were wandering around hungry !” "Ya kau" seru! Dia "Changmin bilang kau pergi ke kafetaria, tetapi Anda tidak kembali setelah, saya pikir Anda berkeliling lapar!"

“Is that so ? "Apakah itu begitu? I went to the art room because there was too many people and I didn't feel like lining up, Park Yoochun gave me something to eat if you're so eager to know” Aku pergi ke ruang seni karena terlalu banyak orang dan aku tidak merasa seperti berbaris, Park Yoochun memberiku makan kalau kau begitu ingin tahu "

Wasn't it me who had reasons to be angry ? Bukan saya yang punya alasan untuk marah? He lured me to his house, practically raped me, and he's making a scene now ? Dia memikat saya ke rumahnya, praktis memperkosa saya, dan dia membuat heboh sekarang? For what in addition ? Untuk apa di samping? Because I didn't inform him of where I was going ? Karena saya tidak memberitahukan dari mana aku akan pergi?

“Park Yoochun ?” Yunho's eyes narrowed. "Park Yoochun" mata Yunho's? Menyipit. “Did he buy you lunch, did you guys eat together ?” He demanded. "Apakah dia membeli makan siang, apa kalian makan bersama?" Tanya Dia.

“And if we did, is there any reason for you to get mad ?” He looked at me a moment anger evidently burning in his eyes. "Dan jika kita melakukannya, apakah ada alasan bagi Anda untuk marah?" Dia menatapku saat kemarahan yang jelas terbakar di matanya.

“Here” he posed roughly a bag on the table. "Di sini" berpose ia kasar tas di meja.

“Egg sandwich ?” "Telur sandwich?"

“You like that don't you ?” I stared at the bag, those kind of things were sold out so quickly how did he to...? "Anda seperti itu kan?" Aku menatap tas itu, mereka hal-hal semacam terjual habis begitu cepat bagaimana ia ke ...? And why...Did he get it for me ? Dan mengapa ... Apakah ia mendapatkannya untuk saya?

“Let's walk home together today” He said before leaving. "Mari kita berjalan pulang bersama hari ini" Katanya sebelum pergi.




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After the class I ran away, his words sowed chaos into my mind. Setelah kelas saya lari, kata-katanya menabur kekacauan dalam pikiran saya.
It wasn't the first time he asked of course, but, we already made it the day before tomorow...If we continued to that pace I won't be able to erase my feelings for him...Will I ever be able to erase my feelings ? Itu bukan pertama kalinya ia bertanya tentu saja, tapi, kita sudah berhasil hari sebelum tomorow ... Jika kita terus kecepatan yang saya tidak akan dapat menghapus perasaan saya kepadanya ... Apakah saya pernah mampu menghapus perasaan saya?

I kept running, my legs advanced by themselves leading me to the art room, the only place where I could find a discutable peace of mind. Aku terus berlari, kaki saya maju sendiri membawaku ke ruang seni, satu-satunya tempat di mana aku bisa menemukan kedamaian discutable pikiran. The only place I knew he wouldn't be at. Satu-satunya tempat aku tahu dia tidak akan di.

I didn't take the time to knock on the door but entered in a hurry closing the door roughly behind me as if it could keep me away from everything outside, from my emotions, from all of the sorrow I felt, from him. Aku tidak meluangkan waktu untuk mengetuk pintu tapi masuk terburu-buru menutup pintu kira-kira di belakangku seakan-akan bisa menjauhkan aku dari segala sesuatu di luar, dari emosi saya, dari semua kesedihan aku merasa, dari dia.
But he was still there, there burried deep in me. Tapi ia masih ada di sana, ada dibebankan secara mendalam dalam diriku.

“Jaejoong ? "Jaejoong? There is no activity today” Yoochun said surprised. Tidak ada aktivitas hari ini "kata Yoochun terkejut.

“I...I..know” "I. .. I.. Tahu"

“Is there anything wrong ? "Ada yang salah? You look so pale” Kau tampak begitu pucat "

“...It's...Nothing...I'll Just go home” The words were so hard to get out of my throat, so hard that it hurt. home to his or mine will I end up in? "... Ini ... Tidak ada ... saya hanya akan pulang" Kata-kata begitu sulit keluar dari tenggorokan saya, begitu keras sehingga menyakitkan. Rumah untuk nya atau saya akan saya berakhir di?

“Wait a minute” He called “ If you need to talk I am here” He added, I felt a smile forming on my face, but it was weird. "Tunggu sebentar" la disebut "Jika Anda perlu berbicara Aku di sini" Ia menambahkan, saya merasa senyum terbentuk di wajahku, tapi aneh. It was weird since all that I was feeling inside was awfully unalike this bright smile. Aneh rasanya karena semua yang aku merasa dalamnya sangat unalike ini tersenyum cerah.
As I sat on the chair, I could feel all my body shaking. Saat aku duduk di kursi, aku bisa merasakan seluruh tubuh saya gemetar. Trying to get my thoughts straight akk I was seeing was Yunho, all I could feel was Yunho and my body jerked by itself. Mencoba untuk mendapatkan pikiran saya lurus akk saya lihat adalah Yunho, aku bisa merasakan itu Yunho dan tubuhku tersentak dengan sendirinya.

“Calm down Jaejoong, I'm here to listen to you. "Tenang Jaejoong, aku di sini untuk mendengarkan Anda. Or maybe you don't trust me ?” His voice was gentle, as his gestures were. Atau mungkin Anda tidak percaya padaku "Suaranya lembut, sebagai isyarat temannya?. He smoothed the fibres of my vest taking a light hold of my arm calmly. Dia merapikan serat rompi saya mengambil terus terang lenganku tenang.

“No, I do trust you” I shook my head. "Tidak, Aku percaya padamu" Aku menggeleng.

“Then you can talk to me right ?” He smiled again “ Did you fight with someone ? "Kemudian Anda dapat berbicara dengan saya benar" tersenyum? Dia lagi "Apakah Anda bertengkar dengan seseorang? or did someone picked on you ?” atau apakah seseorang mengangkatnya pada Anda? "

“It's nothing like that” "Ini tidak seperti itu"

“Then tell me, since I can't guess” "Kalau begitu katakan padaku, karena aku tidak bisa menebak"

“I can't...you will be disgusted” "Aku tidak bisa ... Anda akan jijik"

“I won't be disgusted by you Jaejoong” As I looked up I crossed his gaze. "Aku tidak akan jijik oleh Anda Jaejoong" Saat aku mendongak aku menyeberangi tatapannya. It was full of concern and gentleness, and, at that moment, my body and mind went weak. Itu penuh perhatian dan kelembutan, dan, pada saat itu, tubuh dan pikiran saya lemas. I so wanted to share what I felt, what I did with someone, even if it meant that I will possibly lose that person, I needed to say it aloud, just once. Aku begitu ingin berbagi apa yang kurasakan, apa yang saya lakukan dengan seseorang, bahkan jika itu berarti saya mungkin akan kehilangan orang tersebut, aku harus mengatakannya keras, sekali saja. The secret of that situation, the fact that nobody knew, that I couldn't say it to anyone, killed me from the inside. Rahasia situasi itu, kenyataan bahwa tidak ada yang tahu, bahwa aku tidak bisa mengatakannya kepada siapa pun, membunuhku dari dalam. His gentleness was luring me softly and I realised those gentle words were all I needed. kelembutan adalah memikat saya lembut dan aku sadar kata-kata lembut semua yang saya butuhkan.

“You will...Because I had sex with my friend, my friend that is not a girl but a boy, I slept with someone of the same sex” "Anda akan ... Karena aku berhubungan seks dengan teman saya, teman saya yang tidak seorang gadis tapi laki-laki, aku tidur dengan seseorang dari jenis kelamin yang sama"

I blurted that sentence too quickly. Aku sembur kalimat yang terlalu cepat. When I entered in contact with the sound of my voice, in contact with my words. Ketika saya masuk dalam kontak dengan suara saya, berhubungan dengan kata-kata saya. It was as if the truth hit me once again, and my body was right away submissed to violent spams that I only realised when Yoochun put softly his hand on mine. Seolah-olah kebenaran memukulku sekali lagi, dan tubuhku langsung submissed untuk spam kekerasan bahwa saya hanya menyadari ketika Yoochun lembut meletakkan tangannya di atas tanganku.

“Calm down, Jaejoong that's okay” He paused a moment searching my eyes that I stubbornly kept fixed on the floor “Did he rape you ?” "Tenang, Jaejoong tidak apa-apa" Ia berhenti sejenak mencari mata saya bahwa saya keras kepala terus tetap di lantai "Apakah dia pemerkosaan Anda?"

“It wasn't rape” "Bukan pemerkosaan"

“Then that's okay ? "Kalau tidak apa-apa? There is no problem is it ?” He affirmed cheerfully. Tidak ada masalah itu "Ia menegaskan riang?.

“What ?” "Apa?"

“I don't think that you only have to love someone of the same sex, it's not like you can control your love for someone. "Saya tidak berpikir bahwa Anda hanya perlu mencintai seseorang dengan jenis kelamin yang sama, tidak seperti Anda dapat mengendalikan cinta Anda bagi seseorang. Love happens by itself, it only shows that your care for him is exceptional” Cinta terjadi dengan sendirinya, itu hanya menunjukkan bahwa perawatan Anda untuk dia adalah luar biasa "

“You are right...but...I love him, I love him a lot , but, he, he doesn't feel the same way. "Anda benar ... tapi ... aku mencintainya, aku sangat mencintainya, tapi, dia, dia tidak merasakan hal yang sama. We slept together, but, even if it was an act of love for me, it was only out of curiosity...and lust for him” Kami tidur bersama, tetapi, bahkan jika itu adalah tindakan kasih bagi saya, itu hanya karena penasaran ... dan nafsu untuk dia "

“You are saying that you love him and you took the initiatives ?” "Anda mengatakan bahwa Anda mencintainya dan Anda mengambil inisiatif?"

“No I didn't” I paused a moment trying to breathe but the lump in my throat made it hardly possible “He is the one who took the initiatives, without knowing how I felt he said he wanted to try it out” "Tidak, aku tidak" Aku berhenti sejenak berusaha bernapas tetapi benjolan di tenggorokan saya membuat hampir tidak mungkin "Dia adalah orang yang mengambil inisiatif, tanpa mengetahui bagaimana aku merasa dia bilang dia ingin mencobanya"

“Try it out ? "Coba? Doesn't that mean that he also likes you ?” Bukankah itu berarti bahwa dia juga suka kamu? "

I glanced at him, no words could leave my mouth anymore, my throat was dry, my body was numb, and my head was in shadows. Aku meliriknya, ada kata-kata bisa meninggalkan mulut saya lagi, tenggorokan saya kering, tubuh saya mati rasa, dan kepalaku berada di bayang-bayang. I was compltely lost, and it took all of my strength to negatively nod. Aku compltely hilang, dan mengambil semua kekuatan saya untuk negatif mengangguk.
Yoochun pressed his hand a little more on my own, smoothing my skin by the caress of his thumb. Yoochun menekan tangannya sedikit lebih sendiri, smoothing kulitku dengan belaian ibu jarinya.

“Then...It must have been hard” "Kalau begitu ... Pasti sulit"

Hard ? Hard? It was hard right the tears that I had so difficultly kept in myself, that I had forbidden myself from shading came out in an endless flow, each of them setting free a silent cry. Sulit benar air mata yang aku begitu difficultly disimpan dalam diriku, bahwa aku telah melarang diri dari naungan keluar dalam aliran tak berujung, masing-masing pengaturan bebas menangis diam. They were running silently on my cheeks, the only feeling that I sensed was the wetness it let and the bitter flavour on my throat. Mereka berjalan tanpa suara di pipi saya, hanya perasaan bahwa aku merasakan basah itu adalah membiarkan dan rasa pahit pada tenggorokan saya. Since such a long time I waited to let them out. Sejak waktu yang lama aku menunggu untuk membiarkan mereka keluar.

But doing so, didn't make it any better, no it didn't. Namun demikian, tidak membuatnya lebih baik, tidak itu tidak. However relief was there, and it was enough. lega Namun ada di sana, dan itu sudah cukup. Even if a crumble of the burden of my heart disappeared it felt extraordinary huge for me. Bahkan jika runtuh dari beban hatiku hilang rasanya luar biasa besar bagi saya. The sorrow pressed on my heart, stifling my mind. kesedihan itu menekan di hatiku, menahan pikiranku. Finally today, I had someone to talk to, someone I could share it with and that alone, was a bless. Akhirnya hari ini, saya ada seseorang yang bisa diajak bicara, seseorang aku bisa berbagi dengan dan itu saja, adalah memberkati.

“But you still love him ?” "Tapi kau masih mencintainya?"

The tears suddenly stopped flowding as I heard his words, his words which were the thruth. Air mata tiba-tiba berhenti flowding saat aku mendengar kata-katanya, kata-katanya yang thruth tersebut. I couldn't say it aloud, not now, so I just stayed silent, implicity agreeing . Aku tidak bisa mengatakannya keras-keras, tidak sekarang, jadi saya hanya tinggal diam, setuju implicity.

“Why don't you tell him how you feel ?” tell him how I feel ? "Mengapa kau tidak menceritakan perasaan Anda padanya?" Mengatakan perasaanku?

“There is no way I'll do that ! "Tidak ada cara saya akan melakukannya! Even if I had to die I won't !” Bahkan jika saya harus mati saya tidak akan! "

“Calm down, calm down I get it” He laughed, pating my head. "Tenang, tenang aku mendapatkannya" Dia tertawa, pating kepalaku.

“But if you keep on doing it with him, it will be ever harder for you” "Tapi jika Anda terus melakukannya dengan dia, akan pernah lebih keras untuk Anda"

“I know that...I want to stop, but, I can't say no when he asks me” "Aku tahu itu ... aku ingin berhenti, tapi, aku tidak bisa mengatakan tidak ketika ia bertanya padaku"

“I see, he seems quite pushy right ? "Saya melihat, ia tampaknya cukup ambisius benar? But maybe he cares for you too you know ?” Tapi mungkin dia memelihara kamu terlalu kau tahu? "
Care for me ? Perawatan untuk saya? He only wants pleasure...I know it too well. Dia hanya ingin kesenangan ... aku tahu itu terlalu baik.

“Tell me Jaejoong, do you really want to stop ? "Katakan Jaejoong, apakah Anda benar-benar ingin berhenti? You love him don't you ?” Anda mencintainya kan? "

“Even though I do it with someone I love, It means nothing but being physically involved” "Meskipun saya melakukannya dengan seseorang yang saya cintai, Tidak ada artinya tapi secara fisik terlibat"

“Right right...Hey ? "Benar benar ... Hei? why don't we go out ?” mengapa kita tidak keluar? "

“What ?” "Apa?"

“For the purpose of deception of course ! "Untuk tujuan penipuan saja! I think that if you want to refuse him you need someone you have to be faithful to, but if it's a girl it won't work” Saya berpikir bahwa jika Anda ingin menolaknya Anda membutuhkan seseorang Anda harus setia, tapi jika gadis itu tidak akan berhasil "

“What do you mean ?” "Apa maksudmu?"

“He has a girlfriend, but he doesn't care about what he's doing with you. "Dia punya pacar, tapi dia tidak peduli dengan apa yang dia lakukan dengan Anda. So if you also get one, he will not take it like a good reason. Jadi jika Anda juga mendapatkan satu, ia tidak akan menerimanya seperti alasan yang baik. But if you say that you have a boyfriend, and that you don't want to do it with someone else he will understand” Namun, jika Anda mengatakan bahwa Anda punya pacar, dan bahwa Anda tidak ingin melakukannya dengan orang lain dia akan mengerti "

Is he serious ? Apakah dia serius?

“Well, he can be surprised that you go out with a guy, but if he has sex with you I don't think that he is the biased type. "Yah, dia bisa terkejut bahwa kamu pergi dengan seorang pria, tetapi jika ia telah berhubungan seks dengan Anda Saya tidak berpikir bahwa dia adalah tipe bias. So tell me, Why don't we go out ?” Jadi, katakan padaku, Mengapa kita tidak pergi keluar? "